It’s hard to believe summer is almost over. It seems like it went on forever here. I love having my family home, I really do, but they were ALL here, all day, every day, forever and ever and ever–while I was trying to write and publish three books. And then somehow, I also managed to format five books without committing homicide. Chocolate may have been consumed in heavy quantities. Just sayin’. 

With the kids back in school, I decided to put my overly optimistic self to work on updating my hideously outdated websites. Yes, that’s a lot of adverbs, I know, but I’m a glutton for punishment. Needless to say, in the two years I’ve managed to mostly ignore all of my websites, WordPress went ahead and rearranged every freaking thing I used to know how to do. And so did Divi and everything else I used.

That would be fine if I’d actually forgotten how to do things, but no, senility hasn’t hit me full force yet, though the Mommy Brain and menopause do kick in strong some days. Truth be told, I am technically savvy, which means I have to forget everything I knew how to do when these stupid companies decide to overhaul their interfaces. 

But hey, I pride myself on struggling through tough times. I managed to give birth five times, raise three teen-aged boys, and write six books. I’ve also survived disco, 80’s big hair, dial-up internet, and Windows 3.1. I can handle Word Press, can’t I?

After all, I’m a techie and an IT professional! I can spew out the “Microsoft Best Answer” to anything and then turn around and tell you how we do things in the “real world.”

But please, for the love of God, STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF! 

Lord Business is not pleased!

Yeah, I’m looking’ at YOU, Microsoft Windows 10, hiding all the control panels and shit. It’s been two years and still can’t find everything damned thing.

PSST…I’ll let you all in on a secret: neither can most of the other IT professionals I work with. We’re just as lost as everyone else.

Hell, I’m a certified pro in several versions of Windows, but not that version. No thanks.

Holy moly, these folks are as bad as Walmart and Target when they decide to rearrange all the damned aisles from time to time, which makes me lose track of my mind and half of my kids. I still think I might have left one behind the last time I was there. 

I’m also looking at YOU, Microsoft-Word-anything-older-than-2003.  Why did you have to hide to everything under that goddamned ribbon where no one could ever find it? As technical as I am, I weep for those who are not. And sometimes, I just plain weep, especially after searching for the “Select All” function for 5 minutes.  I swear it’s going to drive me to drink after formatting my books and screwing them up multiple times.

Hell hath no fury like a techie scorned!

Maybe I’ll just start swearing like my potty-mouthed Super, Jared Jackson: “I can’t even unfuck all the stuff I’ve already fucked!”

But then again, neither can Microsoft, which brings me back to Word Press. 

My GOD, people, why ruin a perfectly good interface with something no one can find? Oh, yeah, you folks must have been talking to Microsoft. And Walmart. And Target.

That reminds me…has anyone seen my kid? I think he might be missing, along with my mind.

Until next time,

Kimberly Gordon, author

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